


Pass Me the Spice

by Clever_Girl_22



Category: Naruto
Genre: Fluff and Smut, Food Kink, Hidan thinks consent is sexy, M/M, Secret Relationship, Strawberries, Whipped Cream, You can imagine where this is going, a slight reference to past BDSM (because come on it's these two clowns)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:06:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29271459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clever_Girl_22/pseuds/Clever_Girl_22
Summary: Things get hot in the kitchen...and Itachi's pie is in peril.
Relationships: Hidan/Kakuzu (Naruto)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 17





	Pass Me the Spice

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I did promise some "spicy" KakuHida for Valentine's Day and the server...the prompt is "confessions" with a slight dash of "interruptions". Enjoy!

"Oi, can you at least _try_ to be gentle? Fuck!"

"You and I both know that's the last thing you'd ever want."

"Fu-- _fuck!_ It's not like it'd kill you to, dipshit."

"One more complaint and I'm going to _shove_ your head _up your ass."_

**_Crash!_ **

"Motherfucker!"

Hidan groped for the metal strainer he had just knocked off the counter, his fingers feeling in vain across the cool marble top. Per their agreement, anything they did had to be as quiet as possible; the last thing either of them (well, Kakuzu, at least) wanted was to be discovered. Hidan, of course, didn't give a damn--it was his partner that preached the secrecy, as if their now-regular routine was some sort of shame to him.

Hidan tried to grab to strainer on the floor, _'Fucking Hell. We're going to wake the fucking dead with this shit.'_

"Hidan, we're moving to the floor," Kakuzu whispered, "Since _somebody_ apparently doesn't know how to be cautious."

Hidan scoffed, "Like Hell you're actually going to--"

With a grunt, Kakuzu yanked Hidan to the floor with him, sprawling both immortals bare on the cold tile. 

"I thought we agreed on being inconspicuous." Kakuzu growled, clambering closer.

"No, that's what _you_ wanted--I just like it when you eat my ass right." Hidan snapped.

His partner growled once more and spat a few threats, but all the Jashinist did was bare his teeth before attacking with another aggressive kiss, this time aiming at Kakuz's neck. The older immortal tried to hold back a groan through gritted teeth, but Hidan continued to leave love bites, anchoring himself with his forearms as he took care to leave as many bruises as he could. 

"Hm, how's that?" He asked breathily.

Kakuzu said nothing but hummed in approval, a sound so deep it made the younger immortal shiver like thunder. Hidan smirked as he continued, making sure to knot his fingers tightly into his partner's hair and pull every once in a while. Him and Kakuzu had been doing this--the secret, super quiet kitchen sex--for almost three months now, and each time Kakuzu refused to let either of them spill their secret. It was a drag in Hidan's mind; he saw privacy as an excuse at minimum and, in a fonder sense, actually wanted to tell the others about their relationship. Sasori and Deidara were already inexplicably public about their romance, so why couldn't they be as well? 

_'Because the heathen is ashamed of it all, that's why.'_

Hidan trailed from his partner's neck and kissed him, forcing every ounce of pride and play he could into Kakuzu's lips. If he was being honest with himself, he had started to cherish their weekend ritual, lusting over the privacy and demanding a satisfaction that nobody--not even Jashin, sometimes--could reward him with. Kakuzu was a challenge and a blessing all in one, and Hidan could never get enough of it. Kakuzu broke their kiss for a breath, a thin strand of drool connecting their mouths. 

"Ready to try the stuff you made me buy?" He mumbled.

Hidan rolled his eyes, "Bitch, don't even--you're just as excited to eat my ass out as I am!"

He licked his lips and stretched his arms behind his back, cracking a few joints as he moved under his partner's weight. Kakuzu snorted out a laugh as he sat back against Hidan's propped-up legs. Slowly, a stream of threads slipped from his arm and disappeared over the kitchen counter top; upon return, they held a small cloth full of strawberries and a glass jar of whipped creme. Hidan grinned and propped himself up, straddling the older man on his pelvis and abdomen.

"Y'know," Hidan smirked, I bet you're dick would taste _real nice_ if we snatched one of Itachi's pies and _smeared..."_

"Nope. I am _not_ going to be the one who spites Itachi Uchiha; you go do that when I'm nowhere around and cannot be roped in." Kakuzu replied tartly. 

He worked to untie the bundle of berries, a stray thread mindlessly untying the drawstring in both his pants and Hidan's. Meanwhile, the younger immortal snatched the whipped creme, unscrewing the lip and dipping his fingers into it. Kakuzu paused what he was doing and shot him a glare.

"Did you at least wash your hands?"

"Well, shit, no--"

"Then get your fingers out of that."

"Sweet Jashin you're acting _just_ like Fishsticks or Ko or--"

"This is the ration for the week...I'm not going to buy more and you're not going to take it all from everyone else."

"Goddammit, here, then!"

Hidan promptly wiped his hand onto Kakuzu's face, the stitches on his face contracted to prevent any of the cream from getting inside. With a growl of distaste, Kakuzu rose to his feet and left his partner on the floor in search of what Hidan assumed to be a dishrag.

 _'And, of course, the fuckturd's pissy. Why am I not surprised?'_ He lamented.

"Oh, I'm sorry, was that too messy for you? Were you not ready for what I'm about to do to your face with some _other_ white stuff?"

Kakuzu's eyes widened with aggravation, "I _loathe_ you. I...I can't even come up with the right vocabulary to describe how much I absolutely detest you."

"You're lying to yourself and you know it," Hidan replied casually, hopping his naked body onto the countertop, "Besides, who gives a shit? Zetsu has already caught us once. Let's just make it official."

He leaned up to his partner and grabbed at his chin, Kakuzu swatting the younger man's hand away; Hidan avoided the move and came in for an especially clumsy kiss, his tongue flicking and dragging at the loose thread that always sat under Kakuzu's tongue. In response, the older immortal discarded the strawberry bundle and braced his hands on the counter, cornering Hidan while he left equally malicious nips and bites. After a few more minutes, the duo rearranged, moving into a more comfortable position: Hidan laid out onto his stomach while Kakuzu snaked a few threads from his shoulders--thicker, stronger ones--and wrapped a handful of them around the Jashinist's pelvis, taking agonizingly long strokes against the inside of his thighs and shaft. Hidan sighed; he knew he was too easy for Kakuzu. Like he cared, anyways.

"Here, keep yourself busy," Kakuzu leered, bringing a strawberry to his partner's mouth, "I'll make sure to come back for _that_ later."

The threads were starting to tighten around Hidan's base, the sound of a glass jar now unscrewing again. Unintentionally, Hidan bucked at the sound glass on marble and felt himself shiver as a stray thread slipped around his neck. Hidan glowered to himself; they had stopped most of the aggressive choking a while ago, back when Kakuzu had gripped just a little _too_ hard and accidently snapped Hidan's neck; they had spent the rest of the evening arguing and building a makeshift neck brace (which was piss-poor, in Hidan's opinion). Needless to say, the mood had been--quite literally--killed.

"You're sure you're comfortable with leaving one wrapped around you there?" Kakuzu asked.

Hidan heard his voice behind him now and nodded along nonchalantly.

"Yeah, I trust you; what's the worst you're going to do, kill me?"

Hidan grinned when he heard a rumble of laughter come from his partner. That was something that Hidan had started to notice: Kakuzu actually enjoyed his company. Not tolerated it. Not bemoaned it. Kakuzu actually _enjoyed_ Hidan's company from time to time and it had started to resonate deeply within the younger immortal. It had also, unfortunately, started to cause some internal turmoil.

_'Yet, you still want to keep us a fucking secret? Like the other dumbasses haven't found out yet.'_

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a chair scraping against the tile; Hidan spat out the strawberry he had been sucking on and twisted his head around.

"You're fucking joking."

"What? I thought you'd enjoy it like this. I have a better angle, anyways."

"Well, shit, sure, but don't you think you're playing into the kink just a little _too_ much?"

"Says the idiot sprawled on the countertop, ass up and sucking on a goddamn _strawberry;_ besides, do you really think I'd ever get on my knees for you?"

"Psh, not with that attitude, you won't."

Kakuzu brought the chair closer and put his face dangerously closer to Hidan's skin, taking the jar of whipped cream and scooping out a dollop onto the Jashinist's ass. The sudden cold spot made Hidan's skin crawl with such intensity that he had to bite back a gasp. Kakuzu smirked and continued to smear the cream all over Hidan's ass, touching at his hips and lower back every once in a while for coverage.

"Y'know, if it's just your arthritis acting up, you can tell me." Hidan said.

Kakuzu barked out a laugh, "And would you make fun of it?"

"Well, yeah I would because it's fucking hilarious, but I'd still understand. I can be sympathetic too, asswipe."

He could feel his partner roll his eyes at the comment, but Hidan knew he meant it--he cared for the cheap, old bastard! Surely, Kakuzu saw that by now.

"I thought I told you I'd come back for that, hm?"

He hadn't noticed it, but Kakuzu had gotten up from his seat and now leaned over Hidan, his bare chest grazing against the Jashinist's back. Before he could protest, Hidan felt a few bundled threads slide into him from behind while Kakuzu presented another strawberry to his lips; despite himself, the younger immortal bit at it to stifle the sudden moan building up inside.

"Way to c-cop out, Kuzu," Hidan spat, "Aren't you...you going to _eat me_ out? Sweet Jashin, you're slow at _everything_ y-you do, huh?"

"Not slow, but patient. Take note, hm?"

Slowly, smoothly, the threads inside of Hidan slid out and returned to other places on his body, Kakuzu tying up his hair while he sat, pressing his mouth along the trail of whipped cream on the Jashinist's spine, working at a painstakingly slow pace downwards. Hidan himself gripped at the countertop edges, bracign every slight shiver and ungodly groan that preyed upon him; Kakuzu's held him by the back of his thighs, displaying his partner even further as he layered hickey after hickey past Hidan's tailbone. Finally, after what felt like ages, Hidan felt Kakuzu's tongue slip into him.

_'Oh...oh fuck, we're doing it again. We're doing it again and I love it and he loves it and...oh! Oh, okay...'_

Kakuzu's grip strengthened, Hidan relishing the bruises his fingers would leave afterwards. Outside, the morning rays were starting to seep in, basking them in a light of openness and vulnerability. Right now was the perfect time for any of the others to come by for some type of morning snack and catch them--Hidan almost longed for such an incident, if only to prove to his partner that none of them would care. Why should they continue to hide this? They both enjoyed it and respected each other's desires, so what was the issue?

 _'One of these days, bet your ass I'm going to expose us...ah!'_ Hidan promised himself, _'Yes, one of these-'_

Kakuzu pushed his tongue in feverishly deep, sending shudders all throughout Hidan's body.

"Oh, _fuck_ ...Oh, f-fuck _how_ do you do this so...so, ugh, _right?"_

Kakuzu mumbled something into his ass and the Jashinist sputtered out a laugh, spitting out the top of his strawberry; both of them were sweating now, the whipped cream melting and leaving sticky smudges against the muscles in Hidan's back and abdomen. Behind him, he could hear the chair Kakuzu was sitting in creak under his weight as he continued to push his own face deeper into Hidan. 

"H-hey, would you ever let...oh, _fuck_...would you ever let me s-sit on your face?" Hidan panted wickedly.

Kakuzu paused and took one of the most aggressive-sounding gasps of air Hidan had ever heard him make; adoringly, the older immortal paused his activity to leave a few light kisses on his partner's tailbone.

"I'm not even going to tell you how much you'd have to pay me for that, my little _Hi-dan."_ He leered, tucking a few stray hairs behind his ear.

Hidan scoffed and arched his neck as Kakuzu placed an abrupt kiss on the nape of his neck, lingering for a moment as the younger immortal sighed softly. Eventually, Kakuzu returned back to Hidan's ass, the Jashinst arched higher while random strands returned to rub and cling to his shaft. And they continued like this for the majority of the morning, moving at a pace neither found completely fulfilling but nonetheless satisfying all the same. Eventually, all the strawberries were eaten and the whipped cream (despite Kakuzu's original complaints) smothered across their bodies, leaving the duo in a sweaty, sticky mess by the time Kakuzu joined Hidan on top of the the kitchen island, straddling the Jashinist once more. 

Hidan suddenly snapped out of his daze, "Hey, could I like, try from behind? Don't get me wrong, you work like a motherfucking _god_ inside of me, but I think I can compete..."

"Hidan, I don't think so," Kakuzu mumbled, reclining against his partner's propped legs, "It doesn't necessarily _do_ anything for me."

Hidan leaned against his elbow and scrunched his eyes narrow, examining the admittedly puzzling look upon his partner's face. Kakuzu almost looked...disappointed. 

_'Well, might as well try something.'_ Hidan decided.

"Hm, okay, can we...damn, let me think..."

"Tch. That's something new."

"Shut up, dipshit. I'm tryna be helpful here."

Hidan sat up and motioned for both him and his partner to climb off the countertop, the pair sliding to their feet on the now-freezing tile floor. Hidan flexed his arms and propped his hands on his hips, Kakuzu humming in light approval at the view. The younger immortal was looking, searching for something--anything, really--that could keep the theme going while trying something new. Finally, Hidan's eyes lit up: Itachi's pie from last night sat on the rack, a modest glass lid keeping its freshness. Kakuzu's eyes followed the Jashinist and immediately displayed a look of intrigue.

"What the Hell are you thinking right now?" He asked, demanded.

Hidan waved a hand to disregard the comment and saunter over to the pie, pulling it from its place and removing the lid.

"Wanna get messy, Kuzu?"

Hidan bit his lip while he watched his partner contemplate his next move, his grin only widening when Kakuzu sighed with defeat.

"I'm going to kick your ass after this, I suspect." He grumbled.

"Oh, trust me, Big Guy, I got this," Hidan chattered, moving up against his ass, "Just tell me when to stop and I promise I'll stop. Cross my heart and swear to die."

Kakuzu braced his arms against the outer counter, "You sure as Hell will."

Hidan, of course, licked his lips at the casual threat and saddled up against his partner, his shoulder only a hair shorter than Kakuzu's. Slowly, Hidan moved to test any stimulation: he kissed and sucked at Kakuzu's neck and shoulder blades, pulling out his bun and twisting his fingers into the loose locks. Meanwhile, the Jashinist's fingers worked nimbly across their canvas, stroking at Kakuzu's scars and stitches as teasingly as possible; Hidan couldn't help but grin as he heard his partner sigh softly with pleasure. 

_'See, it isn't that bad...let's try the pie shit now.'_ Hidan decided, reaching with his free hand for the dessert.

Deftly, Kakuzu pushed the pie to Hidan's grasping fingers, the younger immortal dipping them in and holding his hand to Kakuzu's mouth, who took each other in and sucked lightly. Then, Hidan pressed even closer to his partner, making sure to grind against his backside as smoothly as possible, the older man's grunts and curses cues of their own kind. After some time, Hidan worked a hand around Kakuzu's base, a few threads escaping from his partner's skin and dancing as if they were lulled into a trance.

"Alright, are you ready for me to try to go in?" Hidan asked, a note of concern coloring his words.

Kakuzu refused to look back at him, "Make it quick, please."

"Hey, we don't have to, y'know. We can just do the usual."

"I'm giving you permission, idiot--don't waste it."

Hidan rolled his eyes, "Fine, fine, you big baby; watch out, because here comes... _the Punisher!"_

"You _did not_ name it that."

"Uh, no, of course not--Deidara and Kisame came up with it."

"Son of a bitch."

Hidan slid into Kakuzu in one smooth motion, ignoring the stream of obscenities that escaped from his partner's mouth. Hidan clung to Kakuzu from behind, his forearms flexed and bulged against the older immortal's torso while one free hand continued to work his shaft. But, after a while, it became clearer and clearer than Hidan was causing more discomfort than pleasure. Kakuzu winced again and tried to shift, Hidan doing his best to retract himself. For a moment they just stood there, the awkward silence choking the air while Hidan hugged Kakuzu from behind, the older immortal's face still covered with glazed fruit and knotweed shreds. He latched a hand to one of Hidan's arms.

"I'm sorry." 

Hidan buried his face between his shoulder blades, "Aw, you don't have to apologize for shit like this--everybody's got their own likes and dislikes. I'm sure there's tons of people who don't like penetration."

"I guess." Kakuzu shrugged.

Hidan grimaced, _'Well, then, let's get back to basics...that will cheer him up.'_

"Here, take Itachi's pie and get on the floor with me--we're doing this old-fashion."

Kakuzu nodded and followed along, taking the dessert and clambering back down onto the exposed ground where Hidan was laying some dish towels out. Then, as if it were water to cleanse his face with, Hidan scooped out the pie and smeared it all over his partner's face, kissing Kakuzu vigorously as he once again straddled the older man. He didn't even wait: with one swift push, Hidan slid himself onto Kakuzu and took him in completely.

"Okay, let's finish so we get clean the fuck up before Sasori gets his morning glass of wine. Can't get caught, y'know" Hidan mumbled.

"Wait," Kakuzu said, "I think...I think it might be okay for the others to find out now."

He bucked slightly while Hidan huffed with a wave of pleasure, the kitchen once again becoming intoxicatingly hot. And, as luck would have it, both of their rings started to vibrate; Pein must be summoning everyone for a morning debrief.

"Oh, you don't fucking _s-say?_ It's about... _ah,_ okay...it's about _time,_ ya heathen." Hidan snapped sarcastically.

"Hm, well...we've b-been doing this enough now...someone's bound to find out."

"Pfft, like Zetsu last week."

Kakuzu's eyes widened to the greenest Hidan had ever seen, "Wait, _what?"_

Hidan groaned and could feel himself leaking, now gripping Kakuzu's shoulder for support as his breaths got more ragged.

"What? Bitch, I _told_ you already--"

"--of course _he_ found...ah, hm...out."

Much to their dismay, the pair could hear footsteps fast approaching. By now, their rings were buzzing with zeal like a swarm of angry hornets. Hidan dipped forward and crashed a kiss into Kakuzu's mouth, teeth knocking against each other as they both began to shudder significantly.

"Look, we're _fine,"_ Hidan groaned, "Let's just...just...oh, _fucking Hell_ that's good...be _happy_ together, oka-okay?"

He stroked Kakuzu's sweat-matted bangs from his eyes and placed a chaste kiss against his temple, his partner thrumming thoughtfully.

"F-fine. Okay. We will tell them--"

Before either of them could hold back, they both came; first Hidan onto his partner's chest, then Kauzu inside the Jashinist. For a second, the air hung humid, both immortals caked with sweat, fluids, and mashed strawberries. Hidan then unsheathed himself from his partner and flopped besides him, both taking in greedy breaths of stagnant air.

"We're fine together, okay?" Hidan repeated, "Because I'm always going to enjoy whatever we do together--fuck it, might as well let the world know."

Kakuzu nodded and smiled slightly, reaching a hand to ruffle Hidan's hair.

"Fine, then, at the meeting we'll--"

**_BANG!_ **

"Oh my _gawd,_ Danna, hn, you were right! They _are_ fucking!"

Deidara, Kisame, and a very angry-looking Itachi crowded the kitchen doorway, a collective mixture of horror and surprise plastered onto their faces. Equally dumbfounded, Kakuzu and Hidan didn't move, the vibrating in their rings having now ceased. Hidan winced as he watched Itachi's gaze linger on the empty pie tin. Little did the pair know, Pein had also called both of them into a hologram, Konan, Sasori, and himself watching the chaos unfold.

"You...you ruined my pie?"

"Aw, c'mon, Uchiha! I'll make you another one, swear by Jashin!" Hidan cried, trying to get up.

He clambered to his feet to get a wet rag for him, Kakuzu, and the rest of their pastry mess, but it was no use: Itachi Uchiha squared up to them, his eyes already flashing red.

"Now, you've done it; jeez, guys." Kisame groaned.

Kakuzu groaned while Hidan rolled his eyes.

"Hey, listen here, you gay-ass crow boy, it's just a pie." He spat.

Itachi cracked his neck and narrowed his eyes, "And _you_ are just a person."

Realizing dawning, Kakuzu and Hidan exchanged a quick glance with each other.

"Oh, you've got to be absolutely fucking _kidding--"_

**Author's Note:**

> Ah, I hope you folks all have a good holiday and eat as much big-corporation candy as you can. Also, I tried my best to make Itachi's poor dessert an actual Japanese treat (strawberry knotweed pie) because, honestly, why not? 
> 
> Thanks to the KakuHida server for the mini event; as always, comments and constructive criticism are appreciated!


End file.
